Tips on how to support grieving friends

When someone you know is grieving, or has experienced trauma, as I have learned the hard way, there some things, like platitudes, that really don’t help. I could write pages on what not to do. But rather than simply droning on about that, I decided to start the new year on a more positive note.

So here are a few things you can do that can make all the difference for grieving friends. What these things have in common is acknowledgment. Allowing us to simply be with our grief, sitting with us, telling us you are thinking of us — all these actions acknowledge what we are going through and let us know you care.

Say it like it is.

“I’m sorry for your loss" is one of those things we say out of kindness, as a means of gently sharing our sorrow for another. But when that “loss” is the death of a child or other comparable traumatic loss, no gentle words can even begin to ease the pain.

No words come close to capturing the depths of despair and utter darkness we feel. They don’t even make us feel better. Collectively, we tend to think that kind, soft words help or, at least, that anything else may come across as hurtful. Yet, the opposite is honestly true. Those words that skate across the surface of our pain just feel as though they ignore the torture we are experiencing. It is much more comforting to hear someone acknowledge the unfathomable ache that we feel. So please feel free to simply say what’s on your mind.

Talk about our loved one.

When friends share memories of Charlie, we may shed tears but we also feel less alone, knowing that others loved her and miss her too.

As a grieving parent, I can tell you that one of the things parents most fear after their child dies is that they will be forgotten. I imagine the same is true for those grieving a sibling, partner, or parent who has been taken away outside the natural order of things. Talking about those we’ve lost helps us to feel that their beautiful spirits are recognized and kept alive through us all.

Bring food… BUT…

Remember that for about the first month or two, trauma often takes away hunger and eating is the last thing on our minds.

One of the most helpful types of food we received in the first couple of days was a plate of cheese cubes, like one of the ones you might serve at a party. When food doesn’t appeal, small bites and snack foods are  helpful. Meals are also gratefully received and can be frozen for later dates when needed. Trauma is not a short term condition. Mundane tasks like grocery shopping  or cooking a meal can feel like climbing a mountain many months later. Having  food in the freezer can be a lifesaver.

Text, call, send a note

Even the three simple words “thinking of you” can turn a difficult day into a bearable one.

On one particular day this fall, I was struggling. It was one of those days when you begin to feel that the pain is never going to go away — a universal truth that all trauma survivors come to learn. For me, on that day, I was overwhelmed by my undiminished grief. I found myself sitting in my car in a parking lot, bawling. It just happened that at that moment, out of the proverbial blue, a cousin Facetimed me. Later, two other friends reached out as well. Unbeknownst to them at the time, their messages pulled me out of a dark place just when I needed it. They reminded me of why I need to carry on. Sometimes just a short message is all a person needs to survive another day.

There’s no limit on the right time to reach out.

Some of my friends and relatives haven’t yet said anything to us, or only just did quite recently. I completely understand how hard it is for others to reach out and how uncomfortable it feels the more time that passes. As friends and relatives, we don’t know what to say, we fear saying the wrong thing, and then we feel guilty for staying silent.

My message to you is that it’s okay. Neither do we blame anyone for avoiding us nor do we mind if you reach out two, three or five years later. We have been in your shoes so we know how awkward it feels. Now we just have the tragic experience of wearing the shoes we hope you never do.

Anytime you reach out is a blessing. Even just saying the words, “I don’t know what to say” is appreciated. We understand that there are no words. Just knowing that others care, that they are thinking of us, is everything we can ask for in the midst of our pain.