The First Day of the Month

This coming Friday the first will mark five months since Charlie’s death. There is something about the first and last day of the month that makes them memorable. That Charlie died on the first of December makes the first of the month all the more memorable for my family, though sadly not in a good way.

Choosing to die on the first day of the last month of the year seems oddly as though it should have been planned. Yet I know that Charlie didn’t think “the first day of December is a good day to die”. She almost certainly didn’t even know what day it was, except that it was Wednesday. As it was, the date was 01 12 2021. Had she realized it, I think she would have appreciated the tidiness in that number.

I suspect that the first, not just of December, but of every month will always be a trigger for my family. But then, were I to try to count all of the triggers in our lives, it would take all year.

This coming first is April first. my beloved brother-in-law’s birthday and an April Fool’s Day when we won’t be laughing. But we’ll be trying our best not to let the pain ruin the day completely. We’ll be looking for little things to feel happy about, like Andrew’s birthday, while knowing that we can never feel truly happy right now, if ever again. Learning how to find islands of happiness in a world of pain is all we can try to do.