Tears in December

I have always disliked November. Seasonal affective disorder haunts so many of us with mental health struggles, and November is the month when the leaves fall, the nights draw in, and the world turns grey, inside and out. 

November was Charlie’s last month, so now it’s a torturous countdown to December 1st: The day that will go down in our history as the end of the world as we knew it.

December 1st is also the beginning of Advent when the countdown to Christmas begins. Antithetical to the way we're feeling that day, often it is when the stores start playing jolly Christmas tunes and the festive lights are turned on. As a family of four, we could always find ways to celebrate, even when one of the kids was in a dark place. Today, it’s hard work trying to make the most of what we have left when everything is a reminder of what used to be. All the “happy this” and “merry that” simply amplify the loss we already feel.

As a family, we were the perfect size. Four quarters, like a perfect square. Carl and I and our two bright and beautiful offspring. Now, the family of four we had planned and nurtured for 16 years is broken. We’re three-quarters now. We will never again be whole. 

It was this year that I felt for the first time how alone I feel.  Even my closest family, much as they love us, are incapable of understanding what it feels like to be missing a massive part of our hearts at Christmas. We get through most days with only some sad thoughts, but December is all about family. My family, the one we built together, is gone. All that’s left is Carl, James, and me. We’re three people, each missing the one who made us whole. 

On Christmas day, my sister and brother will enjoy the day with their beautiful families of four, while Carl, James and I, as three-quarters of a once-perfect foursome, will do whatever we can to get through the day. We’ll sleep as late as possible, maybe watch some telly, all the while trying not to feel the gaping hole that Charlie left behind — which is impossible when every happy Christmas memory features Charlie. From the teddy bear tree to the stockings to the elf and Santa hats, all around us are reminders of her. After all, Christmas is all about family, and Charlie loved any excuse to dress up and be playful, which all the holidays encourage.

That’s why I’m doing my best to put on a brave face, but truthfully, December is a month I would prefer to skip altogether.