Living Two Lives

@untanglegrief shares on Instagram, “Living with grief is like living two lives.” In one life, we act as though all is normal and well. In our other life, when we’re alone, in our car, or at home, our grief, tears, and sadness pour out while we “wish it was all a dream.”

In the first few months, the vast majority of our time is spent living life number two, our living nightmare where our pain is inescapable. Progressively, over many months, we manage to live more and more frequently in our “new normal.” But living that way takes its toll. It’s exhausting. Sometimes we just have to be with our grief.

The thing about living in our “new normal” is it’s not just for show. Maintaining positivity is vital to rewiring our brain so we can arrive in a place where we can be okay. That’s why I am building my new business venture. I refuse to give up or give in to the grief. I will not lose my positivity. I am actively working and I have a plan to continue building the foundations for growth throughout 2024 because it’s the only way to survive but…

As the leaves fall and the temperature with them, the nights draw in, and the sky turns pink in the early evenings, I am surrounded by reminders of the anniversary of Charlie’s last day on Earth. I am trying so hard to keep it together but some days grief just really does come over me like a tsunami. I find myself back in the that grief-filled life.

I see it in James too. It's hard enough that the days are shorter and the uni work piles on to a point where he struggles with his anxiety and depression anyway. But the December 1st anniversary looming over us like a dark cloud makes this time of year almost unbearable at times. We’ll get through it as we have the past two years but we’re teetering on the edge.

I just have to keep reminding myself that Charlie is counting on us to spread love, kindness and social justice. Actually, to be fair, she wrote that with the caveat “if you manage to find some semblance of life after I’m gone,” which was not an unreasonable thought to have. I took that comment almost as a challenge. But the truth is we don’t have a choice. We have to live in that new normal. We do as often as we can. But damn some days are just hard. We miss you so much, Charlie. You were the best of us.

It's a funny thing about anniversaries that often the weeks leading up to them are harder than the days themselves. These coming weeks are hard for my family and not just for Carl. James and I. We have to fight to stay out of that dark place.

I keep looking for the positive signs, though, in between the hard moments. I focus on the positives to remind myself that we’re okay.

Today I bought the makings of a Winter urn, which I just put together. It's the first time since Charlie that I even felt like decorating the front steps at all. The front of our house is still unfinished because we haven't the energy to make decisions like that.

Each year I try to do something that I couldn't face previously as though to mark my progress. I have been cooking quite a lot too, something that I never really did by choice before. Surviving, for me, entails introducing myself to new adventures, new habits, new skills. Anything that doesn't remind me of life before. I am determined to continue to build myself and my family up so that our “new normal” feels more and more… well, normal.