It's been a long time

A classic Burger King crown, just as I remember it from the 70's.

There are moments in one’s life that turn out to be pivotal either to shaping us or to leading us to understand who we are. My first such memory was in San Francisco, where I discovered Burger King. I don’t remember the food, but when they handed me that crown, it was the most exciting moment of my two-year-old life! Finally, some recognition that I was meant to be a royal!

A, perhaps more pivotal, early memory was when I was three going on four. We were settling into life in Canada by this time, living in a rental townhouse in the little town of Dundas while we looked for the right home. My parents had bought a learn-to-read kit (back in the days when we still read things on paper). I clearly recall that colourful big box filling me with wonder. It was in the hall cupboard on a shelf far too high for my 2ft nothing self to reach. My parents knew that I was probably not ready to start reading, but I couldn’t wait! Little did they know how I would gaze longingly up at that box, desperate to discover the mysteries inside. I haven’t lost that passion for words. I still love to read - and to write.

Another moment that is seared on my brain was when I was 12, with exceedingly low self-esteem, and my grandmother told me that one day I would be a writer. I held onto that thought. It has taken a while but I became a published writer for the first time earlier this year. It was a paper I co-authored with my father. There’s definitely more to come—one day.

Writing for me is like breathing. It just happens. And I know it’s well-written when it just feels right. My life struggle has never been the writing but the working out what to write about. I always felt as though there was a story inside me. I just needed to live it first.

The third memory that is more pivotal to my life than any other brings me to tears just at the thought. It is, of course, the day my beautiful daughter Charlie died.

Since that day, I have been writing about my grief journey and sharing it through this blog. I blog because I don’t yet feel as though my memoir is complete. I have spent the past two years seemingly fruitlessly searching for my lost happiness and I can't imagine a book so weighed down by grief.

But today, for the first time in years, there is an excitement growing inside me. It’s my time to shine. It’s my moment now to build. I can feel those foundational memories coming together. In a sense, Charlie is pushing me forward.

I have googled long and hard, tested out many apps and systems, and honed my marketing skills. I have been creative again, writing and designing. Today, I had a marvelous conversation with a woman who shares the same excitement for digital marketing and who will be a great resource as I build my little empire. My vision: I am going to spend the next year building Stratadgy into my dream marketing agency. I will truly earn that crown!

Finally, I am discovering what the past two-plus years of unimaginable pain and grief have led me to. And what all those personality-shaping memories are adding up to. This is my story of a journey through grief, of how the darkest moments can actually become the seeds of something great. The grief never goes away, but its shadow looms a little less overwhelmingly, and there is light around the edges. It’s been a long time since I felt this excited.

This is going to be my story. One day to find its way into a bookstore near you.