Finding a new measuring stick

I had an epiphany today, with the help of my therapist. I was sharing with her my thoughts about never feeling joy again. To anyone who has never lost a child, and perhaps to a few who have, this likely sounds melodramatic or too soon for me to judge with any reasonable perspective. But I know my heart and I am quite sure that I will never feel unfettered joy again.

Much to my relief, my therapist didn’t attempt to disabuse me of my belief. In fact, she essentially said that I may well be right. Joy as I have always defined and experienced it is a thing of the past. For twenty years, I defined my joy in relation to the mental health of my children. As long as they were relatively okay, so was I and, conversely, when they were not (which was a lot of the time), I struggled. The one speck of brightness about Charlie’s death is that she is no longer in pain, a pain so deep that very few in this world can even begin to understand, but which saddened me terribly. I never again need to worry whether she is still breathing. I never have to hold her, knowing that she is crying inside. There is some small relief in that.

However, her death transferred her pain to her family. It has left a hole in my heart and that’s why I can never feel joy like I did before. Every celebration from now on will be bittersweet. In realizing this, in a way, I feel relief. Gone is the pressure to ever feel the pure joy of my past and that’s okay. It sucks. But I can live with it.

And this was my epiphany. My old measuring stick is broken. By that measure, I can never be truly happy. So the answer is that I need to find a new measuring stick.

I need to move on. I need to find a new measure of happiness. It will never be what it was but I can still find some semblance of joy in a new form.

I don’t have any more kids to worry about as I did. I have a 20 year old adult son who is one of my favourite people in the world and a husband who is my rock. I have family and friends whom I love fiercely. I can find joy in me and the life I continue to build. My new measure will be the positive changes I make in this world. The smiles I put on others’ faces and the hugs I give.

One day, our dream of the Charlie’s Angels Care Foundation will come to fruition. We will do the work that Charlie asked us to do. As she wrote before she died, all she ever really cared about was love and kindness and she wanted us to carry on making the world a better place when she was gone. So we will. And this will be my new measure of joy.

I will lapse at times, of course, but I will keep on carrying on. For Charlie. Being a good human, empathetic and kind as Charlie was, will bring me joy. Being a loving friend, sister, daughter, and mother will bring me joy. Sharing the wisdom I have gained through some hard life experiences to help others will bring me joy.

This is my promise to myself and to those who care about me. I will hold on to my new measuring stick from here forward. I will be happy again.