top of page

Fall Thoughts

It’s breathtakingly beautiful outside. Reds, oranges, golds and greens framed by a cloudless blue sky. I pause to reflect on how fortunate we are to live where we do. In the same breath, as I wonder at the beauty of our surroundings, I think of Charlie. This is our first fall without her. It saddens me to think that she will never again be able to jump in the leaves or join us as on a family stroll with the dogs as we collectively gaze in awe at this wonderful world.


While I sit here, surrounded by the beauty of nature, a shadow approaches from behind. It looms over my shoulder. I try to ignore it but, like it or not, it’s moving ever closer.


That approaching shadow is all the first anniversaries without Charlie in the weeks to come. Days that leer at us like the halloween ghouls I see scattered about at this time of year.


James’s 21st birthday is in a few days. Needless to say, it’s his first birthday without Charlie, his best friend. How can you celebrate when you hurt so much? We’ll try. But I guarantee that there will be many tears shed.


Then it will be Halloween, a time that Charlie always loved in her youth. I have so many happy pictures of her - the year she was a dinosaur, then a transformer, a funky monkey, Sherlock Holmes… so much fun. But right now those happy memories only bring deep searing pain right through my core.


Two weeks after halloween, it’s Carl’s first birthday without Charlie. Another anniversary none of us feels like celebrating.


And two weeks after that, December 1st, is the dreaded first anniversary of her death. The most horrible day of our lives and those of our family.


I have spoken to friends, and read accounts of others who have experienced loss like this and we all agree that the weeks leading up to these days are often worse than the days themselves. The worry and stress about how we’ll survive the anniversary dominates us for weeks. Yet that day is so insignificant compared to all those days leading up it, which, I have learned, are silent torture.


So my family literally will find no respite from the pain wrapped up in those anniversaries over the next few months. It’s one anniversary followed by another all the way to New Year. Days that should be celebrated, but won’t really be happy.


We may look, on the outside, like we’re coping, but on the inside, we’re barely breathing. The memories of the past haunt us as we move, unwillingly, as on a treadmill we can’t get off, toward a future we never wanted. We’ll survive. But that’s all we even dare hope for.

Comments


IMG_7792.jpeg

Thank you!

Thanks for taking the time to read about my grief journey. If you've found my words valuable, please feel free to share.

Let the posts
come to you.

Thanks for submitting!

  • Threads
  • Instagram
  • X

Share Your Thoughts with Me

Thank You for Sharing!

© 2023 Life After Charlie | Rachel Griffiths

bottom of page