2022: A not so merry Christmas

Still, could be worse. It could be 2021.

I know that for many of us, Christmas is a joyful time. To those for whom that is your lived experience, I really am happy. For those who, like me, find this season difficult, I am sorry. I don’t wish this feeling on anyone else. It’s a special sort of torture, the distant tug of happy memories past, while knowing that life will never be "that" happy again.

Joy for us resided in an immensely loving little family of four. Our reality was in many ways almost too good to be true. When one quarter of that wrapped and ribboned package was taken, our holiday joy was ripped away and crushed.

It very quickly dawned on me after Charlie died that the only way to survive this new reality would be to make new memories and new traditions. We have to slowly, carefully build up our new life. As our first Christmas not in a post-traumatic state, this is what we are trying to do this year. It’s not easy though.

It takes a tremendous amount of energy to “do” Christmas (and life in general) now. There is literally nothing I do for my family that doesn’t involve thoughts of Charlie and our life BCD (before Charlie died). With every choice I make, I think, “Did we do this with Charlie? Is it a tradition that would be more sad to miss than keep? How can we make it new so that we aren’t upset by it? Is there something else we could replace it with?”

I go through this process because the past is triggering and painful. Avoiding memories is particularly challenging at this time of year since Christmas is filled like a stocking on Christmas morning with reminders of what we’ve lost.

One of our many long-held traditions is the Christmas tree that we nicknamed “the bear tree”. As its name suggests, the theme of the tree is teddy bears. The bears are joined by a few other furry friends, too, like these lovely little mice.

This sweet little mice trio was sent to us by a school friend of mine last December. I was incredibly touched by his kindness and fondly think of him, and Charlie, when I look at them. I can find pleasure in new things like these mice in a way that I can’t in things from BCD.

Unfortunately, for this reason, this tree doesn’t bring me the same joy that it used to. I am not yet far enough away from the horror of her death, to be able to find pleasure in my memories of her. I know that’s what people often wish for others, that they may find solace in the memories of lost loved ones. I simply don’t and I don’t know when, if ever, I will. Instead, I keep building anew.

What may become a new tradition is the Christmas morning breakfast I have planned for tomorrow. When our local tea house sent out an eblast about scones for Christmas breakfast, I thought, “scones for breakfast? Odd, but why not?’ andJames agreed. So scones (and double cream of course) it is! That we have never done it before is precisely why it’s a good idea to do it now.

I hope you all make happy memories with family and friends this holiday season.